Free Events

*Blows dust off*

It's been a while.  A loooong while.  I'll be honest, I forgot.  And so much has happened that I would have loved to share!  But I'm back now and I will be making an effort to write on a more regular basis because there is lots of stuff going on in our lives that fits here perfectly!  Such as our outings.

The local philharmonic orchestra puts on free concerts in the summer.  They're not the same as their paid concerts throughout the year, they're much smaller ensembles made of orchestra members at a local park.  There is usually a theme and some (sometimes lots) of audience interaction.  As part of these events they arrive early and set up a table with a bunch of instruments for people (kids) to try.  It gets them interested in music and they get to promote their concert season.

These events are great fun for us.  We get to go to the park and relax, which is much appreciated when it is often hotter inside our home than outside, and enjoy some good music.  Because it is outdoors they encourage you to bring a picnic and often have a food truck or other food vendors there.  It is a very informal setting so it is ok to take pictures and record the performance (they encourage you to do so and post it on the appropriate Facebook pages) and you can chitchat a little during the performance.  It is a great way to expose our son to different kinds of music.  If we had the money I'd have season tickets for all three of us to their regular concert series, but good entertainment can be pricey.  This way he gets the exposure to music and to the socialization of a performance.  It can be difficult for him to sit quietly for an extended period of time just listening so when I see he is getting antsy I give him something to go throw in the trash.  The little run is enough to expel some energy.  If he has questions he can ask me and it is not considered disruptive.

We (I) really enjoy these events, starting before we even leave our house.  I like watching, sometimes helping, my wife prepare the picnic food.  It's usually not much and never anything fancy but there is something about making food that will be eaten at a park that excites me.  Maybe it's because I never got to do anything like this growing up or until we started attending these events.  Once we get to the park, with our food and chairs, I like finding a spot to set up and enjoy just being before the show begins.  Sometimes we talk, sometimes I just observe the others.  If the instrument table is set up, I like taking our son to it and seeing him try out all the instruments.

There is nothing like live music and these little concerts don't disappoint.  The last one we went to was a jazz concert and it was really good.  We took potato salad and bought bacon wrapped hot dogs at the park.  It was warm but there was a nice breeze and being in the evening made it really nice temperature wise.  Our son enjoyed trying the instruments again I think he likes being able to do things like this where there aren't a lot of social rules to follow.

We are fortunate to have free events available in our city and it is something we like to do as much as possible.  It's a great opportunity to be out as a family without a set end goal.  Since they are free we don't have the pressure of trying to get the most out of the experience to "get our money's worth" and can just let it happen.  And it is during these free events, when everyone there is simply trying to enjoy the show, that it is the most obvious that we are not any different than most families.

Trying out instruments, creating instruments,
and learning to conduct. (Different Events)

Gay Days at Disneyland: My Experience

WOW, it’s been a lot longer than I’d like. School started and we go real busy with that and then it got hot and with that a lack of desire to do anything other than sit in front of the AC. Hopefully I can get into a better rhythm now.

Last weekend we went to Gay Days at Disneyland. We discovered it by accident one year and every year after that we either forgot about it or had scheduling conflicts. But we made great effort to avoid both forgetting and scheduling conflicts to finally be able to attend this year!

If you aren’t familiar with Gay Days, it is an organized event, not sponsored or endorsed by Disney though they do go to great lengths to both accommodate and make money from the event. It is over a weekend and the organizers plan many activities and shows for the attendees. People who participate wear red shirts. It happens at both Disneyland and Disney World.

We had fun and got to see Fantasmic! before it goes away for a whole year. It was real neat to see so many couples and families like us and all the allies! It was, over all, a very enjoyable experience. Disney went out of their way to accommodate the event and, in their non-official away, endorse it. There was a display at the Emporium that I wanted to take a picture of but got too caught up to do so. It was a display of red t-shirts with a Mickey on them and on the shelf over the shirts was a bowl with rainbow Mickey heads for dangling and rainbow Mickey head pins. There were also rainbow candy apples and a special rainbow mickey mug. There were probably more things we did not see.

We did not buy the official Gay Days shirt but wore our own. We saw many people do the same with many of them having custom made their shirts with different sayings and drawings. Lots of "love is love" in the Disney font and rainbow Mickey heads. Some of the sayings were cute and original and creative, I really loved them! Some, not so much.

I’m not one to openly voice my opinions on what people wear. If I see something that I think is stupid or ridiculous or inappropriate I usually mention it only to my wife and nothing more. There is no point in giving it much time or attention when the person is a stranger you are likely to never meet. This usually happens out and about in the street or mall, open public places where people do have the right to wear whatever they want. However, I have very strong objections to some of the shirts we saw.

Disneyland is a theme park aimed at kids. Yes, there are a lot of things for adults and I have enjoyed Disneyland the most as an adult without a child so I definitely understand the appeal. But it does not change the fact that it is a family place where there WILL be many children. As such, people need to dress for being around children. This includes not only the style of clothing and what is or is not shown but also what is WRITTEN on the clothing. Between my wife and I we saw, at least, 20-30 people wearing T-shirts with very inappropriate things written on them. We weren’t actively seeking out people’s shirts so there had to be more that we missed. The milder of the bunch was something to the effect of "I want a Prince in the streets and a Beast in the sheets" with "prince" being in Disney font and "beast" in Beauty and the Beast font.

No. Simply no. My child may not be able to read but a good bunch of them at the park can. And I would be mortified if my 10 year old asked me what that man meant with that shirt. I don’t want to know what strangers, gay or striaght, prefer in the bedroom, to each their own. And had I seen such a shirt at the mall I would have probably just rolled my eyes and moved on. But at Disneyland?? Really?? Have we no class? No respect for other families? For children??

And I know straight people wear things like that too and that they too wear it to the park. But there are two things that make this different. One, it’s on a red shirt amongst a sea of red shirts. It doesn’t take much brain power to figure out that there is something significant going on with people in red shirts when you show up at Disneyland on Gay Days. And people very quickly figure out, due to all the red shirts that say Gay Days or other gay related phrases or rainbows, what the whole thing is really about. So naturally people are curious as to what all the shirts say, we’ve made a point of standing out by wearing the same colour and now everyone turns to look. If it were a lone red shirt in a sea of people wearing all sorts of shirts, no one will likely take notice. So yes, people are looking at you because you are wearing a red shirt. If you didn’t want to stand out on Gay Days, you shouldn’t have worn a red shirt. So by purposefully putting inappropriate phrases on your red shirts you are asking people to please take the time to read them. And we do.

Secondly, straight people aren’t stereotyped as child predators simply by being straight. You don’t help dispel this stereotype by wearing a shirt with the goal of attracting attention with an inappropriate phrase, in a Disney font, in a place full of kids! Kids will see the all familiar font and turn to read it because that is what kids do. I think most (if not all) parents would agree that they’d rather explain why the man in a red tee is wearing sparkly eye shadow and a tiara than explain what "spitters are quitters" on that man’s red shirt means. And sure, you can spin it to be about something else entirely. However, I think that is a disservice to all our allies that approach it as a learning opportunity to talk to their kids about equality and love and tolerance and then someone throws THAT at them. And to the tweens and teens that are old enough to put the clues together. And at the end of the day it comes back to one of the opposition’s standing arguments: you are attracting children to look at you and exposing them to things they are not old enough to be exposed to. No one should be put in a position to try to explain something like that to a child during a family day at Disneyland.

After about a dozen of these shirts, and despite the fact that the vast majority of the red shirts were tasteful and clever and completely appropriate, I honestly felt like taking off my red shirt and rainbow pin and NOT be associated with them.

We had fun but I don’t know if we’ll be doing it again next year. And maybe I’m overly sensitive, I have been accused of that before, but those tasteless shirts did leave me not wanting to do it again. That kind of stuff belongs at adult events not at Disneyland.

The Faux-Tographer

We have our usual family get togethers, mainly for birthdays and major holidays.  I usually bring along my camera and snap a few pictures.  I look back at my childhood and realise that there were so many gatherings that I would love to have pictures of.  People that are now gone I would love to have pictures of. Anyway, I'll snap a couple dozen pictures, usually of my son doing his thing and of him with different family members and maybe some food and some interesting decoration.  I then go home, use google's photo management and editing program then post some on facebook.  People like them.

I am not a photographer and I do not have a fancy camera.  I don't know what kind of camera I have but it has several settings that, over the years, I've learned to use to my advantage.  I've attended two graduations in a large stadium and have managed to get the best, most close up and detailed pictures from up in the stands.  I've also done "mini" photoshoots for my son and a friend.  I've got a knack for capturing children being natural and incognito picture taking.  I've gotten some awesome candids when people had no idea the camera was on, pointed at them, and clicking. I learned some of my "tricks" by reading some photography blogs and books.  I've never actually bought a book, just flipped through one at the bookstore.  Usually I go looking for something specific, pick up some tip, try and try again until I'm satisfied with the result.  Then implement it whenever it seems appropriate.

So there was a family event in which I was invited.  I have grown fond of my phone's camera and with my son being older there aren't as many opportunities for "cute" pictures since he is more aware and usually spots me taking the picture.  But the night before the party my wife gets a text message asking if I could bring my camera and take pictures of the party!

There was a little bit of panic.  My camera takes 2 AA batteries and eats them up quite fast these days.  Yes, it is so outdated that it uses actual batteries.  And we did not have any.  So I bought some batteries and went home and didn't think much of it.

Until I did.

I have never been asked to take pictures.  I've always just showed up with my camera and snapped away here and there.  If it's a party type of event with people I don't know or don't know well, I stick to the friends and family I do know well.  Why would I want pictures of strangers anyway?  But there was never a purpose to it other than "oh, this is neat! Let me snap!"  I had to make sure I captured the details, the themed food and decorations, the guest of honour, all their friends and family regardless of whether I know them or not.  I don't know how to do this!  I'm not a photographer!!  I'm just a mom that snaps a camera!

The guest of honour is was a family member that is dear to me and I knew that even though many people would be taking pictures they would all be doing what I usually do, just taking random pictures here and there.  I wanted to do my best to capture this special occasion for her so that she has some nice memories to look back on for years to come.

We arrived about two hours before the time on the invitation.  It's at a family member's house so it's no big deal.  I wanted to get there and try to figure out a plan before guests arrived.  I've never done this before and I didn't have time to google any tips for taking pictures at events.  I start looking around and many things are already set up but many things are not.  I take out the camera and start test shooting.

I created our gift for the event and am quite proud of how it turned out.  I start by taking pictures of that using different settings to see what will give me the best results with the current light.  I then snap a trinket here and a oddity there.  I wander outside to the main party area and start snapping.  Centre pieces, tables, banners, decorations, my wife.  I always sneak in pictures of my wife, I find her so beautiful and photogenic, especially when she isn't aware of the camera.

There are two seating areas, one on the patio with patio furniture and several tables under a roofed gathering area with folding chairs.  There is plenty of space to move around.  I put down my camera and help finish the set up.  When the guests begin arriving I'll take more pictures.

Sure enough, people start arriving and I'm snapping away.  There are people there that I know are special to the host and guest of honour and make an extra effort to capture them enjoying the party.  There is someone that has recently been battling cancer and I want to make sure I get her, she made a very special effort to show up.

I need to pick up the naturalness of the interactions between people and I don't know how to do that when I'm not at the table with them.  I sit on the patio and face the roofed area with the tables.  I point.  I look down at the preview window and it's dark.  I click anyway.  I zoom in.  I point.  I click.  I'll have to do the best I can from here.  Then I stand up and chose the furthest table.  Point.  Click.  Repeat.  Internally I am hoping I am getting at least one good picture.

The food begins to be brought out: pastries, fruit, desserts.  All themed.  All photographed.  I take several pictures of each with different settings.  I hope one is good enough to be edited and look good.  Cake, cupcakes, and more goodies.  Actual food too.  Themed plates and napkins.  Lets not forget the guest of honour.

I spend hours with the camera in my hand, mostly standing, mostly taking pictures.  I am asked to take some group pictures and I sneak in more of my wife and my son.  I also capture some fun and games, some priceless interaction.  There is a mother/daughter playful moment that I happen to be a couple of feet away from.  I am excited over that.

The sun starts setting and I know my incognito picture taking time is up.  The lighting is no longer good enough for my camera and I will have to use the flash.  My picture taking slows down due to this limitation as well as departing guests and I am able to socialise a little more.  My batteries die at one point and it becomes easier to use my wife's camera.  Her's is a much newer camera but I have yet to figure it out well.  But since it is night and we need the flash anyway, the auto setting with the flash is good enough.

2 cameras, 3 memory cards, 6 AA batteries, and 9 hours later we head home with almost 450 pictures.  The next day will be spent editing these pictures and picking the best for posting and I hope I will not disappoint.

I didn't.

Common Question: How Do You Explain It?

Every time something major happens in the LGBT+ (depending on who is posting) community that is all over the media such as federal rulings or things involving celebrities, I am inevitably asked by people how we explain these things to our son.  And I struggle with that answer.  These people are almost always people that know me and my family well enough to know some basic facts about us:

• My son does not watch mainstreem/popular TV.  He watches, even at almost 8, only kid friendly tv shows and the food network at his aunt's house.  He doesn't actually watch much TV at all.
• My son is autistic and not aware of much of anything beyond his surroundings.
• We live in a part of town with a large gay population.
• My wife came into our lives when he was 3 and, therefore, from his point of view, she has always been there.

So I stop, and remind them of these facts and watch as their expressions tell me what I suspected all along: They don't want my answer to their question, they want me to answer that question which they are struggling with themselves.  They want me to tell them some magic recipe for telling their questioning children.  And I think this is what people are generally asking when they ask gay parents how they explain it to their kids.

The truth is that our son doesn't know about a world where gay people do not exist any more than your child knows about a world with slavery and public hangings.  He grew up in this city where it is just as common to see a male and female holding hands as it is to see two males holding hands.  He has seen people with beards and hairy legs wearing dresses just like he has seen the same king of people wearing pants.  He sees and doesn't give it a second thought.  Why should he? Women wear both dresses and pants, why can't men?  There are actually some buddhist monks that we've seen in the neighbourhood, I'm pretty sure there is a monastery near by, and he thinks they're wearing orange dresses too.  It's just clothing to him.

He has known his specific parental structure as long as he has use of memory.  And he has not questioned it.  Maybe because I don't have a father in my life.  Maybe because I come from a long line of powerful matriarchs and single mothers.  Maybe because The Lion King was his favourite movie for a long time and we've seen Bambi and Annie plenty of times as well.  He just knows that different children have different looking families.  I know questions will come up eventually.  But as of now, we have never had to explain our adult relationship to our child.

So I'm sorry I don't know what you should tell your questioning child.  Part of parenthood is explaining things to our children that we could have never anticipated and don't quite understand ourselves.  I've had to explain to my son that a parent going away doesn't mean she doesn't love him and explain that there are laws that make it difficult for us to just live happily ever after.  Explaining the immigration process was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with, but we figured it out.  But maybe you can start with, "Everyone is different, and that's ok."  

Our (Sort Of) Typical Day

I took the day off from work today.  We had an appointment to go get the results from some evaluations our son had and we both wanted to be there.  Usually, unless both parents have to be there, my wife takes our son to his appointments while I'm at work.  Ideally, I would be able to get all his appointments after 5:30 pm, within walking distance from my work, and there would be an extra 2-3 hours added in the day so that we had enough time to go home, finish school work, spend some quality time together and get to bed, just so that I could attend all his appointments.  It's hard to hear everything second hand, hoping I understood everything correctly and making the guilt be quiet.  But it's just occupational therapy, he isn't missing me.

Anyway, today we went to get results and I went to his Thursday OT appointment for the first time. I got to meet his therapist and see what she does with him, which is different from the Tuesday OT (which I do get to go to since it is at 5:30pm and within walking distance from my work).  I was happy to get to do that!

However, the day was more difficult than most.  Our son has Asperger's, which we have known for a while, amongst other issues (which is why he gets different therapies).  His various issues compound each other and, with the lack of social understanding from the Autism, create some challenging behavioural issues.  Some days are better than others.  Today was one of the worst days we've had in a while.  What's worse is that we haven't been able to figure out what causes this, what the triggers are, so we can't really anticipate or prevent it.  Something as simple as "stop jumping around" become draining events.  If I didn't know any better I'd think someone gave him an energy drink.

We made it through the morning and, after figuring out how to put on his shoes, were able to leave on time to get his evaluation results.  Nothing new was noted, high functioning autism (previously known as Asperger's) and now we try to get him more help at school.  We made it back home and had lunch.  My wife made a quick run to the grocery store down the block for some stuff we can only get there while I did some school work with our son.  After she came back, we rested for a little while before heading to the OT.  After OT we went to our regular grocery store, which is a bit further but has much better prices and variety, and then went back home in time for dinner.  Some more school work after dinner and then more just "being" before bedtime.

The heat makes us very lame right now, we just want to sit near the AC and not do much of anything.  I did sort of rush through the description of the day but I just wanted to give the overall picture of it.  I'll describe us being not so lame in future posts.  But I can't promise excitement, we're not reality show material.

The Story of Me, Pt 1: Ancient History

A while after eating dinner tonight my mom called me.  This call surprises me because she is out of town visiting with friends and she usually doesn't call me when she is out unless there is some piece of gossip she just can't wait to share.  She already did this two days ago so I am a bit confused.  I picked up the phone and answered and she goes through her list of typical questions: how are you? How is the boy? etc.

She then asks me if I know when and where her father was born.  I raise my eyebrows in surprise as I reach for her file folder.

A while ago, probably well over a year ago, I started looking into my family's past.  It started by me wanting to make an accurate family tree for our son.  He has several heritages so I had a lot of digging to do.  But while doing so I found a long and rich history with my mother's paternal family.  I was able to trace them all the way back to the 1600s.  In land that would become part of the USA.

As it turns out, once upon a time there was a little town called San Marcial in Socorro County, New Mexico.  It was a little town that got wiped out by the Rio Grande twice! My family comes from there and was able to trace them way back in New Mexico.  I found a newspaper announcement of my great grandparents' marriage.  I found a copy of their marriage certificate.  Census records show many children that did not quite make it to adulthood and I often wonder about their deaths.  What I has puzzled me the most is why did my great grandparents leave New Mexico?  They had lived there for well over a century when they packed up their kids and headed to the west coast.  Unfortunately, I have no one to ask.  A mystery I will likely never solve.

My mother will be taking a road trip to New Mexico next month with a friend and she hopes to dig up some more information on her family.  Hopefully she will share it with me and I can add it to her file folder.  I do enjoy the genealogy searching but I get frustrated with dead ends and give up for months at a time.  It's one of my flaws: I give up quickly.

Oregano

My wife is attempting for the first time my mother's chicken salad.  It is not your typical chicken and mayo and whatnot salad.  It actually has no mayo type substance added.  It is chicken and lettuce and tomato and onion and oregano and some seasoning liquid from the motherland.  I trust my wife's ability to cook so I'm not worried about the recipe being ruined.

I sit here, working on this blog's layout and whatnot, as my son pesters me.  He is distraught, he noticed a lego person was missing when he spotted him in my lego house.  Yes, I have my own legos because he has an inability to share (we're working on that) and it relaxes me to build.  He has been trying to gain him back all day without listening to what we keep telling him: the more he bugs about it the longer he will be without it.  It sounds like we're being unreasonable but it's for his own good.  He obsesses over things and we're suppose to teach him to let go when they really don't matter.  It's one of many things we have to teach him because he won't learn it on his own.  He just isn't quite right.

As I sit here, listening to Frankie Valle while attempting to make this look right as I "ignore" my son (I don't really ignore, I see all his attempts) I can spot out of the corner of my eye my wife working in the kitchen.  I'm not focused on her or anything else going on.  Then it hits me.

Oregano.

She is dicing up the oregano for the chicken salad.  And suddenly I want to cry.  My mother is the only one who has ever made it the way I like.  The way my grandmother liked it.  And I miss my grandma.  She's been gone as long as I've had my son but the wound still hurts as if she died yesterday.

She grew oregano in her yard.  She didn't like the price at the store for fresh oregano and said food just didn't taste the same without fresh oregano.  It is still planted next to the stairs to go inside (my mother lives there now) and I remember how the smell hit me every time I bumped it as I went up those stairs to visit her.

"Oh What A Night" just started playing and so many emotions go through me.  Sadness: A story inspired by this song has been sitting in my WIP folder for years.  The story is clear in my head but never transfers well when I try to write it.  Joy: I've sang this to my wife often.  It's a very fun song.  Bitterness: I saw the musical Jersey Boys about 8 years ago on a date.  My date ended up breaking my heart severely and though had we not broken up I wouldn't have been with my wife, it still hurts.  Sometimes these things take more time than we'd like, I guess.

My senses are still overwhelmed with oregano.  My son has given up on the lego minifig for the moment.  He is dancing and I smile.  He loves music, just like me.

Everything will be ok.