The Faux-Tographer

We have our usual family get togethers, mainly for birthdays and major holidays.  I usually bring along my camera and snap a few pictures.  I look back at my childhood and realise that there were so many gatherings that I would love to have pictures of.  People that are now gone I would love to have pictures of. Anyway, I'll snap a couple dozen pictures, usually of my son doing his thing and of him with different family members and maybe some food and some interesting decoration.  I then go home, use google's photo management and editing program then post some on facebook.  People like them.

I am not a photographer and I do not have a fancy camera.  I don't know what kind of camera I have but it has several settings that, over the years, I've learned to use to my advantage.  I've attended two graduations in a large stadium and have managed to get the best, most close up and detailed pictures from up in the stands.  I've also done "mini" photoshoots for my son and a friend.  I've got a knack for capturing children being natural and incognito picture taking.  I've gotten some awesome candids when people had no idea the camera was on, pointed at them, and clicking. I learned some of my "tricks" by reading some photography blogs and books.  I've never actually bought a book, just flipped through one at the bookstore.  Usually I go looking for something specific, pick up some tip, try and try again until I'm satisfied with the result.  Then implement it whenever it seems appropriate.

So there was a family event in which I was invited.  I have grown fond of my phone's camera and with my son being older there aren't as many opportunities for "cute" pictures since he is more aware and usually spots me taking the picture.  But the night before the party my wife gets a text message asking if I could bring my camera and take pictures of the party!

There was a little bit of panic.  My camera takes 2 AA batteries and eats them up quite fast these days.  Yes, it is so outdated that it uses actual batteries.  And we did not have any.  So I bought some batteries and went home and didn't think much of it.

Until I did.

I have never been asked to take pictures.  I've always just showed up with my camera and snapped away here and there.  If it's a party type of event with people I don't know or don't know well, I stick to the friends and family I do know well.  Why would I want pictures of strangers anyway?  But there was never a purpose to it other than "oh, this is neat! Let me snap!"  I had to make sure I captured the details, the themed food and decorations, the guest of honour, all their friends and family regardless of whether I know them or not.  I don't know how to do this!  I'm not a photographer!!  I'm just a mom that snaps a camera!

The guest of honour is was a family member that is dear to me and I knew that even though many people would be taking pictures they would all be doing what I usually do, just taking random pictures here and there.  I wanted to do my best to capture this special occasion for her so that she has some nice memories to look back on for years to come.

We arrived about two hours before the time on the invitation.  It's at a family member's house so it's no big deal.  I wanted to get there and try to figure out a plan before guests arrived.  I've never done this before and I didn't have time to google any tips for taking pictures at events.  I start looking around and many things are already set up but many things are not.  I take out the camera and start test shooting.

I created our gift for the event and am quite proud of how it turned out.  I start by taking pictures of that using different settings to see what will give me the best results with the current light.  I then snap a trinket here and a oddity there.  I wander outside to the main party area and start snapping.  Centre pieces, tables, banners, decorations, my wife.  I always sneak in pictures of my wife, I find her so beautiful and photogenic, especially when she isn't aware of the camera.

There are two seating areas, one on the patio with patio furniture and several tables under a roofed gathering area with folding chairs.  There is plenty of space to move around.  I put down my camera and help finish the set up.  When the guests begin arriving I'll take more pictures.

Sure enough, people start arriving and I'm snapping away.  There are people there that I know are special to the host and guest of honour and make an extra effort to capture them enjoying the party.  There is someone that has recently been battling cancer and I want to make sure I get her, she made a very special effort to show up.

I need to pick up the naturalness of the interactions between people and I don't know how to do that when I'm not at the table with them.  I sit on the patio and face the roofed area with the tables.  I point.  I look down at the preview window and it's dark.  I click anyway.  I zoom in.  I point.  I click.  I'll have to do the best I can from here.  Then I stand up and chose the furthest table.  Point.  Click.  Repeat.  Internally I am hoping I am getting at least one good picture.

The food begins to be brought out: pastries, fruit, desserts.  All themed.  All photographed.  I take several pictures of each with different settings.  I hope one is good enough to be edited and look good.  Cake, cupcakes, and more goodies.  Actual food too.  Themed plates and napkins.  Lets not forget the guest of honour.

I spend hours with the camera in my hand, mostly standing, mostly taking pictures.  I am asked to take some group pictures and I sneak in more of my wife and my son.  I also capture some fun and games, some priceless interaction.  There is a mother/daughter playful moment that I happen to be a couple of feet away from.  I am excited over that.

The sun starts setting and I know my incognito picture taking time is up.  The lighting is no longer good enough for my camera and I will have to use the flash.  My picture taking slows down due to this limitation as well as departing guests and I am able to socialise a little more.  My batteries die at one point and it becomes easier to use my wife's camera.  Her's is a much newer camera but I have yet to figure it out well.  But since it is night and we need the flash anyway, the auto setting with the flash is good enough.

2 cameras, 3 memory cards, 6 AA batteries, and 9 hours later we head home with almost 450 pictures.  The next day will be spent editing these pictures and picking the best for posting and I hope I will not disappoint.

I didn't.

Common Question: How Do You Explain It?

Every time something major happens in the LGBT+ (depending on who is posting) community that is all over the media such as federal rulings or things involving celebrities, I am inevitably asked by people how we explain these things to our son.  And I struggle with that answer.  These people are almost always people that know me and my family well enough to know some basic facts about us:

• My son does not watch mainstreem/popular TV.  He watches, even at almost 8, only kid friendly tv shows and the food network at his aunt's house.  He doesn't actually watch much TV at all.
• My son is autistic and not aware of much of anything beyond his surroundings.
• We live in a part of town with a large gay population.
• My wife came into our lives when he was 3 and, therefore, from his point of view, she has always been there.

So I stop, and remind them of these facts and watch as their expressions tell me what I suspected all along: They don't want my answer to their question, they want me to answer that question which they are struggling with themselves.  They want me to tell them some magic recipe for telling their questioning children.  And I think this is what people are generally asking when they ask gay parents how they explain it to their kids.

The truth is that our son doesn't know about a world where gay people do not exist any more than your child knows about a world with slavery and public hangings.  He grew up in this city where it is just as common to see a male and female holding hands as it is to see two males holding hands.  He has seen people with beards and hairy legs wearing dresses just like he has seen the same king of people wearing pants.  He sees and doesn't give it a second thought.  Why should he? Women wear both dresses and pants, why can't men?  There are actually some buddhist monks that we've seen in the neighbourhood, I'm pretty sure there is a monastery near by, and he thinks they're wearing orange dresses too.  It's just clothing to him.

He has known his specific parental structure as long as he has use of memory.  And he has not questioned it.  Maybe because I don't have a father in my life.  Maybe because I come from a long line of powerful matriarchs and single mothers.  Maybe because The Lion King was his favourite movie for a long time and we've seen Bambi and Annie plenty of times as well.  He just knows that different children have different looking families.  I know questions will come up eventually.  But as of now, we have never had to explain our adult relationship to our child.

So I'm sorry I don't know what you should tell your questioning child.  Part of parenthood is explaining things to our children that we could have never anticipated and don't quite understand ourselves.  I've had to explain to my son that a parent going away doesn't mean she doesn't love him and explain that there are laws that make it difficult for us to just live happily ever after.  Explaining the immigration process was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with, but we figured it out.  But maybe you can start with, "Everyone is different, and that's ok."  

Our (Sort Of) Typical Day

I took the day off from work today.  We had an appointment to go get the results from some evaluations our son had and we both wanted to be there.  Usually, unless both parents have to be there, my wife takes our son to his appointments while I'm at work.  Ideally, I would be able to get all his appointments after 5:30 pm, within walking distance from my work, and there would be an extra 2-3 hours added in the day so that we had enough time to go home, finish school work, spend some quality time together and get to bed, just so that I could attend all his appointments.  It's hard to hear everything second hand, hoping I understood everything correctly and making the guilt be quiet.  But it's just occupational therapy, he isn't missing me.

Anyway, today we went to get results and I went to his Thursday OT appointment for the first time. I got to meet his therapist and see what she does with him, which is different from the Tuesday OT (which I do get to go to since it is at 5:30pm and within walking distance from my work).  I was happy to get to do that!

However, the day was more difficult than most.  Our son has Asperger's, which we have known for a while, amongst other issues (which is why he gets different therapies).  His various issues compound each other and, with the lack of social understanding from the Autism, create some challenging behavioural issues.  Some days are better than others.  Today was one of the worst days we've had in a while.  What's worse is that we haven't been able to figure out what causes this, what the triggers are, so we can't really anticipate or prevent it.  Something as simple as "stop jumping around" become draining events.  If I didn't know any better I'd think someone gave him an energy drink.

We made it through the morning and, after figuring out how to put on his shoes, were able to leave on time to get his evaluation results.  Nothing new was noted, high functioning autism (previously known as Asperger's) and now we try to get him more help at school.  We made it back home and had lunch.  My wife made a quick run to the grocery store down the block for some stuff we can only get there while I did some school work with our son.  After she came back, we rested for a little while before heading to the OT.  After OT we went to our regular grocery store, which is a bit further but has much better prices and variety, and then went back home in time for dinner.  Some more school work after dinner and then more just "being" before bedtime.

The heat makes us very lame right now, we just want to sit near the AC and not do much of anything.  I did sort of rush through the description of the day but I just wanted to give the overall picture of it.  I'll describe us being not so lame in future posts.  But I can't promise excitement, we're not reality show material.